My First Rejection

Rejections are always sad. Quantifying your love for anyone never amounts to anything productive in relationships. Sounds like a lame attempt at justifying your strict ego and then defending it for life. You have cheesy remarks and attributes to throw at your history book but deep inside, there’s always this hollow feeling you’ll never stop culturing- no matter how many times that returns.

I was mostly a one for pretenders. Perfection was my goal and so on the way I built some made-up stories about myself that only I know and that are there to falsify my reality. They were there to have myself experience a dreamed of world. And I never succeeded. My hopes were dried out. They flew off as soon as they rushed in. And I made my choice of staying the same; never advancing nor breaking out. Overconfidence ruined my language. I forgot to beat like a normal heart.

So, I wanted to escape. Escape into the false costume and present a divisive nature. My escape was the sea. I found a part of myself scattered across the ocean, always! I felt myself drawn into the sword-y sharpness of those tidal waves. They cut me by the half as I stood motionless. When they devoured me altogether, I could breathe with little to no hope left. And that was freedom. I wanted the darkness that allowed me to explore. I felt the power in my visions to pull the ocean towards me. I pulled it off, I swear! I used to be a master, of my sea.

And then it happened. Last week. I lost all of the control. I couldn’t see the lights anymore. The lights that flared up beneath the smooth curves of the waves vanished somehow. The cuts were replaced by undeserved appreciations. I felt powerless; not underneath the pressure of the vastness of my ocean. Because, the sea started seeming like a commodity, almost. I was living a broken truth. I tried and tried; to pull the ocean right through my ribcage. But it never delivered. How I fled! I fled from my false reality, my real consciousness and my conscious falsehood. They split my caliber between belief and questions and left me with neither.

My first rejection in love was funny as heck. ‘Cause it had turned out to be a false alarm as I got around acceptance sooner. But when I had my first love switched to the ocean, I was hurt by it’s rejection.