Connection

Last night, I had someone open up to me online. You know how I always keep saying that I’m looking for any single individual who could relate to my sufferings? I think I found someone of the exact similiar mental makeup as mine. And I was amazed when she started telling her stories and they kept hitting the bar I had set for the “relate” thing to work out.

She told me how she wants to be someone else that she can’t seem to get around. She feels trapped. She doesn’t know if she’s depressed or bored or really tired. But one thing she’s sure of is that she’s sick- mentally and she doesn’t wanna try anymore. She has expectations from her close circle piling up on her- so much so that she wants to escape the geographical barriers. She sounds like she doesn’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. She had a friend that she could confide in and then that friend had to leave her as well. She can’t cry anymore despite the fact that she wants to.

If you’ve been following most of my articles on this blog, does any of the abovementioned statements ring any familiar bell? Well, I just went deaf from the bells I’ve been hearing ever since. Because, that’s exactly what I’ve been going through and writing about all this time. I know the contextual differences are there but I can’t help thinking how the feelings are alike and alive here.

It’s strong- the fear. The fear of the upcoming. I don’t have a clue. I just wanna keep writing. I wanna get out as much of me as I can just for someone to reach out to me and say “I’m here as well.” That’s exactly what I had told her last night. We’re in this together when it comes to dealing with mental health and depression and anxieties. I don’t wanna die alone. Well, sometimes, I do- out of guilt and fear of getting a good soul dragged through the dirt for me- but other times, I feel I can be fixed. I can be healed too- by someone who feels the same way and wants to land on the same level as me to take me in. That’s all I want now and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Life is getting cacophonous by the day and I’m losing interest in the flow as it is. And that’s simply contributing to the detriment that I’m not ready for. I have the answers but I’m not engaging. Now is the time to pick me up. I believe someone will. I hope they will fly by and sweep me off the mudslide and glide with me to the highest of clouds.