Crushed!

I’m allowed to weep. So, I weep. I weep in darkness and in silence. I weep calling upon God. I want my crying heard but by nobody. I want my reddened eyes noticed but by nobody.

At one point last year, I had been loved and wanted by three women at once. And I couldn’t affirm any of them anything. I am not a disbeliever. But I’m not so firm in faith either. My promises go vain as soon as they are made. For some reason, I can’t get the job done for you even with my boldest statements out in the open.

The women are a different animal. They are sparked so easily. And despite my strict maintenance in the head, I manage to exert my unencumbered impact on their souls. Their souls then speak to me. They make me feel guilty- for leading them on- a journey I didn’t know that I, myself, had set off.

All of them burnt so close to my heart that I was cremated alongside. One of them would be the egoist one- but the stronghold to keep us together. The other with her artistic mind taking me to the space and back. And then there’s obviously the craziest one for me.

But look at me. How could you? Don’t you see? This is a weak, weak entity. I couldn’t possibly offer you what you’re seeking from me. I cry more often than you can imagine. I plead more shamelessly than you can anticipate. I’m not responsible. I’m not alpha. I’m just a man with an imperceptible aura. You can’t feel me unless you’re the one.

I think I’m sure of the one. But then again, why would I suck out her life for no legitimate reason at all?

I miss my grandmother. She’d know. Last time, we sat together, we put an end to our love life in a very cinematic fashion. You see a young man in his 20’s leaning forward, depressed in a couch and just beside him sits his grandmother- so wise and empowered- smiling away the hint of eternal separation forthcoming.

I miss my home- that has been snatched away- from me. I’m weeping every night- sometimes at daytime too, just like now, to get closer again.

Because I can’t stop dreaming. I dream of everything I have left behind only to go back there over and over again.

Why do I feel so much? Why do I feel at all?